They say you can be happy, hurting, and healing all at the same time—and now I can see why. Amid the chaos of my life, I feel strong and hopeful at times and overcome with sadness at other times. The world sees the brave smile plastered on my face and only those closest to me know what really lingers behind it.
I’ve always been quite a private person and share only what I want others to know. I’ve let everyone share in my happiness, but few have seen my darkness. I’m not really sure why I feel ashamed about what’s going on behind the scenes. Why do I care so much about what other people think? Especially since imperfection makes us relatable. Our flaws make us human. And our struggles can help others going through similar situations. I guess that’s why I chose to write about it now.
I’ve been going through an extremely difficult time in my life amid my ongoing divorce. After getting married in 2020, I thought all my dreams had finally come true—I had a husband, a beautiful dream home, and was pregnant with my first child. But shortly after that, my life as I knew it came crashing down. The veil was uncovered, the secrets were revealed, and I saw things for what they truly were. What once felt like a real-life fairy tale had turned into a living nightmare. All I could do was what was best for me and my son. And that was to leave a toxic situation and start to rebuild our lives. It feels unfair that some people have heard a twisted one-sided version of this story, but I can’t worry about that. What matters is that those who love me, know the truth—my truth.
Sometimes we don’t understand why certain things happen in our lives. During tough times, we may feel sorry for ourselves, but what we really should do is let go and let God.
I read a Bible verse recently that hit home with me from Jeremiah 29:11. It reads, “For I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Maybe God knew what my path was meant to be and he had to steer me in another direction.
No one goes into a marriage thinking it will end in divorce, but I truly never anticipated the turn of events. Some people view divorce as a failure, but I don’t see it that way. In my case, failure would be letting fear keep me trapped in an unhealthy and toxic relationship.
“We have been socialized to think that a relationship ending means we are a failure. And yet, a relationship that ends can often be evidence of empowerment. It can be the moment we’ve finally said ‘enough’, and chosen ourselves, perhaps for the first time. The reason relationship endings are such potent vehicles for expansion is that the death of the relationship is often also the death of the people-pleaser. It’s the death of conformity. It’s the death of tolerating mediocrity. Whenever a relationship ends liberation can begin, if we accept the invitation.” – Mark Groves
I made the brave choice to take a very difficult and painful road to find the peace I so desperately needed and deserved. I’m still striving to find that peace. While I may have not gotten the happy ending I had hoped for, I got a hopeful new beginning. I can’t regret it, because it brought me the most beautiful gift of all, my son.
I don’t know how this next chapter of my story will unfold, but I guess that’s the beauty of it. There are so many possibilities in surrendering to the unknown.
One day it will all become clear. Until then, I will keep moving forward and pushing through the pain with my head held high.
“Strong women wear their pain like stilettos. No matter how much it hurts, all you see is the beauty of it.” -Harriet Morgan
