Looking back on my dating life makes me cringe. I settled time and time again for less than I deserved. But what inside me made me do that? Was I desperate for love, marriage, and children? Yes, yes, and yes.
I remember in my 20s I dated a man who was six years older than me. One Christmas as I opened the gifts he bought for me, ripping off the wrapping paper in anticipation, I was shocked to see that every present contained sexy lingerie. There was no sentimental thought put into these gifts. Nothing that related to my hobbies, interests, or even what I wanted for myself. This was not me at all. I wear baggy t-shirts and sweatpants to bed. But this was a big clue as to how he saw me—as a sex object. Arm candy. That should’ve been obvious to me since he only told me he loved me less than a handful of times throughout our 5-year on-and-off relationship. And yet I put up with it. He encouraged me to try on the lingerie and I wasn’t comfortable at all. But being young and naïve, I obliged remaining under his control. As I walked out into the living room, self-conscious as ever, he said to me with a laugh, “It looked different on the model.” This was just one of the many moments he made me feel so small. He would also downplay any career accomplishment I had by attributing it to my looks. If I was commended for a job well done at work, he’d ask me if a guy said it to me. If I said yes, he’d say, “it’s only because you’re hot and he wants you.” In his eyes, it wasn’t because I busted my ass every day and was good at my job. If I ever “talked back” to him, his response would be, “Just shut up and look pretty.” But there was so much more to me than just my looks. I was kind, caring, and loving, and yet he didn’t care about that at all.
Because he was older than me, he felt like he was superior to me. To him, I was just a “dumb little girl,” which is how he referred to me once or twice. But inside he was just an insecure little boy. He needed to make me feel small so that he could feel better about himself. I realize now I didn’t love this man—I didn’t even like him. So why did I stay for so long? I just want to hug the girl I was back then and say to her, “You deserve so much more. You are amazing. You are enough. Why can’t you see that?”
That relationship was a catalyst for my low self-esteem for years to come, making me feel like I had to prove myself to men. I always worried about whether a guy would like me. I may as well have stood in front of them begging, pick me, pick me! I had yet to step into my power, turn the tables, and ask myself whether I even liked them or if they deserved me.
Fast forward many years and several other bad relationships later, I finally realized that marriage wasn’t the holy grain. It wasn’t the key to my happiness. Winning a man’s love wasn’t the most important thing in life. Because when I finally got married and had what I always thought I wanted, I still wasn’t happy. I hadn’t realized until I’ve started to heal, work on myself, and do a ton of introspection, that I am responsible for my own happiness. I needed to love myself first and foremost. Even after all of this, I don’t look back on the past with regret. I take all the tough lessons I’ve learned to heart and continue to grow from them, so I never settle again. I’d rather be alone than be with the wrong person. I don’t need a man to feel fulfilled. I just need to love myself more because that’s the most important relationship I’ll ever have.
